So, this is the third week my sister and I have made a video of ourselves cooking recipes from our family cookbook. We have had an amazing time and we are just beginning on this crazy adventure. There are so many exciting recipes and moments we will share over the course of this project if the Lord is willing. This, I count as a blessing. Seeing myself on camera at the largest weight I have ever been, however, I consider a curse.
Its not easy putting yourself out there, knowing there are probably people that are just watching so they can laugh and make fun of you. Watching myself and hearing myself on a video every single week and thinking, "Am I really that short, Do I really sound like that, Do I really look that big?" Of course I already know the answers to all of these questions. Of course I'm really that short. I mean I don't expect to get any taller, after all, I am 51. I kind of stopped growing too many years ago to count. Apparently, I do sound like that because my ears work the same as everyone else, right? And best of all, Yes, I probably do look bigger than I should for my height. The doctors waste no time informing me of my height to weight ratio at my regular checkups. Its enough to drive you to the point of never wanting to step on a scale, look in a mirror or watch yourself on a public video for sure. All of these opinions I have of myself I could consider little curses. 1. Being short has a lot of disadvantages, like not being able to reach things on your own, not having much room for any extra weight to go on your body and people always looking down at you just to be able to have a conversation. 2. My southern accent and country talking self probably gets a lot of eye rolls because I sometimes can't find the proper or more intellectual words for what I'm wanting to say which makes me sound a lot less educated than I really am. 3. The fact that since I've turned 50 nothing works to lose weight. My cardiologist would prefer that I lose at least 10 pounds minimum and so would my gastrointestinal doctor, but that's easier said than done when I love food and have no willpower or desire to deprive myself of the foods I love to lose a few pounds. All considered curses in my book. Curses of not being able to see on the outside, what I feel on the inside.
At the same time, As I've watched myself over the past few weeks. I've began to look beyond what I see or better yet, absorb and contemplate what I am really seeing, turning what I sometimes consider curses into blessings in disguise. 1. For example, my height has its disadvantages, sure, but when I notice how short I am compared to others, I look back in my memory and see my Granny who was probably shorter than myself and round as she was tall, wearing her dress, apron and sporting her hand sewn bonnet everywhere she went. I see her with a smile on her face, picking berries, drying apples, and cooking the most delicious meals for us. I sometimes compare myself to her and hope that I can learn to enjoy and live life as carefree as she did. Plus, my husband thinks I'm "cute" because I'm so short and he loves getting things for me that I can't reach which makes him feel needed. 2. My southern and country way of speaking makes me unique and interesting at times which can be a very good thing. It catches people's attention and even if they are making fun of me, well at least they had to listen to what I was saying in order to do it, so maybe they will learn something along with getting a good laugh. At least I can say I made someone smile. 3. The weight, you would think turning this curse into a blessing would be the most difficult to do, but really it's the easiest. In order to be "overweight", you usually have to eat more than the doctor's say you need, which means you have food to eat which is a huge blessing. There are people in this world, children even, that live on one meal a day, if they get that much. Here I am able to afford any food I wish to prepare for my family. We are not starving by any means. I've never had the misfortune of not having food on my table. I can eat three meals a day, every single day and even snacks in between if I choose. However, I don't overeat or buy lots of junk food just because I can. I try to exercise and eat reasonable healthy meals. This is just how it is and I'm blessed beyond measure when it comes to this curse.
I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes when we look at ourselves for just a second, just looking on the surface, all we can see are our flaws, curses of our lives, things we wish we could change about ourselves or we wish others could not see. We see our vulnerability in the spotlight and it's all we can focus on. This breaks our spirit and brings us down to a place of unhappiness, bitterness and low self esteem. Yet, if we take the time to really concentrate, look below the surface, we will begin to see a different scene emerge. We can see the smiles and laughter, the feelings of joy and happiness being expressed in the awkward laugh or silly facial expressions, and the love and peace being shared in the moment. These are the blessings we sometimes overlook and forget are such a big part of who we are. The most important things that people will remember about us are on the inside, what we give of ourselves to them and others. The laughter, the smiles, the memories, time spent together, all of these things are blessings. I for one have realized that those things are what matter the most and those little outward appearance curses that we hate about ourselves aren't what people really care about when the day is done.
Do I still wish I was a little taller, could speak a little more professionally, and especially get that number on the scale to at least budge a pound or two in the other direction. Well, yeah, of course I do! I'm only human, and I wish I didn't compare myself to others as much as I do or care what others think about me as much as I do. I am learning though that I am a lot more than just what I appear to be on the surface.
I think back to people I've had in my life that really made a difference and none of these things are what I remember most about them. That gives me hope that when the important people in my life think about me, they remember the the love, the joy, the moments we shared, the way it felt when we spent time together, the blessings. This is what I want to focus all of my energy on from now on.
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